Mindy Danielle

I need no sympathy. No attention. And definitely don’t try to gloat on the rewards it has given. Merely here to get you up and moving. To show you that you can too. No matter the path you’re on. Or off of. What you’ve been given. Or had taken away. There are so many sacrifices to this as well. Just speaking on this recent journey that I’ve chosen.

I knew this path wouldn’t be easy. From the start to the finish. I’m leaving all I’ve known. My life. My children. My family. My friends. It’s brutal at times. Lonely. Yet liberating. I stand on my own two feet. Tall. Steady. I have no fear of what is ahead. Where I’m going. Or where I’ll end up. Complete opposite of my Mother and siblings. The wild child.

I board the plane. Alone. Unpack my life from a suitcase in a tiny room that I’ll call home for weeks. The first day is always the longest day for my children. Time goes by slow for them as they readjust. I start my assignment. Throwing myself into the high alert, red areas of Covid. Not even thinking twice. While others question my decisions. Walking into to the unknown. Nerves on edge. People I don’t know. Death numbers unknown. Rationing care of others family members. Fear of being exposed myself. Never making it back to Indiana. Seeing my people again. Either by Covid and being that small statistic of “younger” people with no comorbidities or exploring the wrong area alone. Some of my days and nights are painfully long. While others are truly enlightening. It’s always a toss up.

I cry because I miss my kids. I’m reassured nothing changes while I’m gone. Do what you’re passionate about. Make that money. Change peoples lives. Most can’t put themselves in my shoes. They try. But can’t. The travel. The unknown. The distance. I put myself here. I knew all the negatives. I knew this was something I couldn’t do with a partner. So I jumped on the the chance to do this while I recreate myself. My next love, when I’m ready, will be with someone who truly wants me. Not someone who needs me. I’ve been thankful to have that attribute my whole life. No book will teach you that. Or happiness.

The positives. So many. Besides missing my tribe. On the move for 14 weeks will equate to over 60 weeks of work at home. I have everything I need. Want. And then some. I’m aiding my children in being just as independent as I am. Which the world needs. I’m seeing some of the most beautiful places in the US. That I may never had been given the chance to see. My kids as well. I’m changing lives of patients I meet. Some days just simply by a touch. Because they don’t or cannot see family. I’m doing my part, as a nurse, to bring this crisis to a rest. I’m following my calling. I couldn’t imagine living this one life, just existing.

There may be bumps in the road. And the adjustment after coming home is also sometimes brutal. Just trying to fit back in after being gone from everyone. Not knowing my place there. I’m not in the battlefield but I sure can sympathize with military people coming back home after being away. It sure is an adjustment. You kinda lose your place. And if people don’t do what you do, they don’t understand. Tears shed. But I’m living. Pushing myself to the limit. Challenging myself. Doing better. Being better.

Save more. Work less. My new motto. Build my empire enough to sit back and watch my children continue to shape themselves. Quality time with family and friends. Graduate and take an even bigger step toward helping others.

Make goals, work on them and watch your life change. I promise. I’m living proof. You can’t do it overnight. But sure as hell can do it alone.

Soaking up the sun this week.
And then on the run again next week.

Next stop, Salt Lake City. Doing a quick assignment before the holidays. I will have traveled over 12k miles since July. I’ve been patient. Kind to myself. Embraced my healing process. With that, I have been given opportunities that have drastically changed my life. I never imagined being where I am right now. If you had told me in March that I’d be here… I would have never believed you. I couldn’t even see that far ahead through the heartbreak I was experiencing. Some greater power snatched me up and rewarded me. Snapped me out of it. Shoved me on this new path. Released me from my past. And told me everything was going to be alright. Job well done, baby girl. I finally have an abundant life. My cup runneth over. And I’ve got my hand wrapped tight around that cup. And I’m letting my faith lead me. ❤️

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Whew. Those were some long months. I could have kept Indiana green with some of my tears.

I kept everyone in the loop with my struggle. The support has been amazing. And I thank each and every one of you for reaching out. Seems like such a silly thing to keep whining about it. But to me, it was big. Life changing. Soul crushing. Something much smaller than what others may be going through. But it changed me. For the better. The strength I showed and tried to shine, helped others through what they had going on. Big or small. Finding the silver lining and overcoming it was my goal. Thank you for listening. And lifting me up. The only negative thing I’ve learned through this is that some people don’t like positive people. I’m still gonna show up.

I can’t tell you what the drive to Arizona last week did to me. I have no idea. I came home this time to someone different. A light flipped on. People just looked different to me. It was like I was released from everything that weighed me down. Like I passed the final after failing all the tests. But still got the grade to move on.

I knew this would happen. Eventually. I just didn’t know when. I prayed it wouldn’t be years. That the residual feelings, hurt, memories, would fade. They are more blurry now. Off in the distance. Unrecognizable faces. Strangers. One thing that helped me is not carrying hate. I think that’s one important thing that helped me through my transition. If you carry hate, it’s so heavy. I knew from the beginning that I would never carry that. Ever. No matter what was thrown my way. Now, the love I carried was also heavy. It’s all part of the process. You have to trust it. Some days it doesn’t make sense. I’m thankful for the heart I have. The one that I slowly cut every string that was attached. Here I am. Standing in the mirror. Proud of how I handled myself. Being kind to myself on tough days. For staying classy. Not seeking someone to heal me. Knowing every day I’d be closer and closer to this one. Had I cut all the strings at once, I may have delayed all of this healing.

Why does I keep talking about this? It’s all about change. Growth. Healing. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Regrouping. Refocusing. It can pertain to a lot of other situations. Not just what I went through. It’s about recognizing who you are and what you need to change. To be better. To do better. A better daughter/son, mother/father, lover, friend. Your strengths. And weaknesses. It’s not all about the trials. We all have them. It’s how you handle it. What YOU can do to be a better person.

It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I had the best trip to Arizona. Learned a lot about myself. Spent a lot of time with myself over the 6 weeks in a hotel room. Worked a lot. Made enough money to not work the rest of the year or more. If I choose. Right now, everything is still up in the year. Just enjoying my journey I started. Time home. My close friends. And, of course, my family.

I’ll always be transparent. When I left town, I left my broken heart here. Went 2000+ miles away from everything I’ve ever known. Within 72 hours, I made the decision. It was something I had to do. Now that I’m back, I realize I’m not quite as far as I want or need to be. My broken heart is still here. This last one bit me. The wound is still healing. Seven months later. Coming home, opened it up. What I left here is still here. Do not feel sorry for me. I’m just a little slower to heal. And choose to be alone.

I hear daily “I’m proud of you”, “What you’re doing is amazing”, “You’re so brave”. Am I? What is it that I can’t let go of? Is it a person or just the passion I felt? The fear of never feeling that again? They say it’s not the actual person, it’s the good times. With me it’s the memories. The photos. Restaurants. Clothes. Music. Down to decor in my home. Even stupid Netflix. The amount of love I felt. Maybe it’s what I’m capable of in a partnership and not necessarily finding someone that passes my new checklist. And I’m not looking. I’m not even remotely close to sharing my time with someone. If I’ll ever be there again. I ask those not to share any information with me. I keep my fingers off the social media bar. Proud of myself for that.

Why do I share this? To get it off my chest. It’s heavy right now. I don’t share a lot about this with others. It’s like beating a dead horse. People are just as tired as my heart of hearing it. People have far bigger things going on and I’m not one to be negative. However, everyday I’m stronger. I just never thought I’d be here, 7 months later, still licking my wounds. The world has moved on. And I feel like I’m going along at sloth rate sometimes.

I’ll continue to hold my head up. Shut down the slips. I’m very thankful for the life I have. It’s simple. The work I love. We all have things we have to work on. For me, it’s one day at a time right now. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, know others are as well. We all have different struggles. I’m so grateful for my circle. And how supportive and comforting they are with me. I will rise from this. Like I have everything else.

It’s no secret that I took a LOA from my job I have had for over 10 years. It had nothing to do with my job. And everything to do with me. I took a chance on myself. For once. To do something I thought would be good for me. And something I have always wanted to do. Something to bring myself some peace. Some may say it was selfish. You are exactly right. It was selfish.

How could she leave her kids? I could never leave my kids. Who is taking care of them? Is she coming back? What happened? All the background noise that I will try to settle.

I did not “leave” my children. They have a great, present father. And step mother. Both of whom are very capable of caring for my daughter. And love her just as much as I do. This is a great opportunity for all of us. For me to step back, allow some distance for growth. For all of us. Allow her to be a family with her other family. I welcome that and am very happy that they get to be a family, full-time.

I would say around March of 2019, things started to fall apart a bit. I was in a bad emotional rut. I lost my biological father. Someone whom I never really had a relationship or connection with. Death is final. No more words can be spoken. No more opportunities to mend. That brought on a lot of emotions that I was not prepared for. I grieved my late grandparents all over again as well. Hate floated up. Family issues became intensified. I knew I had to protect my peace. I spent his last days with him at the hospital. We forgave each other for our past. That was very important for me. He heard me. He nodded. Even had tears in his eyes. I knew it had to be done so that I didn’t carry all of my childhood with me for the rest of my days here.

Fast forward to 2020. My peace was again tested. Things fell apart again. I lost a few people close to me that I truly cared about. It snowballed. Things were unfixable. People got hurt. Words were slung. Resentment was deep. I started my life over again. Held my kids tight. Built their confidence up again. I was on my way to healing the best I could. Trying to bury the pain and failed. Time and time again. Then I had a relationship that resurfaced. That never should of. Even became legal at one point. My character was poked. Ugly accusations. But I quickly turned it around with the help of my attorney. There are two things I will always protect. My children and my education. And one thing someone taught me a few years ago, to document everything. Thankfully, I had been doing just that and I prevailed. That friendship will never recover, it’s unfortunate, but the way it has to be.

I decided after that, I was leaving for awhile. It was all too heavy. Why would I allow someone to push me out of my comfort zone? I didn’t. I knew how this virus changed me. Made me a stronger nurse and human. I had to find that again. My purpose. This decision was for me. I have some of the best, supportive friends anyone could ask for. They stood behind me. I cried to my children. They said “Just. Go”. So I made this decision within a few days. I also have the best, loving, understanding manager in my corner. It was a done deal. I had 72 hours to get my life in order and here I am.

My point with sharing this is to tell you something. Do what’s best for you. Everything will fall into place. You can talk and post all day long. About your life. How happy you are in it. Is it real? Take that leap. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. If you aren’t truly whole, you’re just breathing. Face your past. Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Set goals. Big ones. One thing I always ask people is, “What is your 5 year goal”? I’m over 1400 miles away from everything I’ve ever known. Alone. Working on my 5 year goal. In a hotel with my dog. Working, studying for my NP. Building my empire. I’m surrounded by mountains. Beautiful sunsets. Nightly FaceTime with my friends and family. I got off track for a bit. Let people change me. Push me into someone I was not. Made me feel, from the start, that I was merely a sponge to their tainted water through something they didn’t heal from from. I’ve also learned that had nothing to do with me. All with them. When I looked back, I was just a stepping stone. A forerunner to their future. The stepping stone to their brighter days. As they were mine. I grew so much through it all. Learned how much I could love. And that I can again. I’m just not there yet. I’ve even lost friends as I’ve transitioned back to who I was before all this. You can get there too. Your mind is a powerful thing. Once you are in control of your feelings, you become very powerful.

I’ll leave you with this. Get a notebook for your nightstand. Every night, write down five things you are thankful for. Watch your list grow. And watch the negativity change into positivity. Everything you go through makes you who you are today. Good or bad. Embrace it. Share it. You never know you’re helping. I always say, if I can reach one person… Ive succeeded.

Talk nice to yourself. Be confident. Own it. Take the damn selfie. It’s not a sign of mental illness if you don’t have to remind people you have boobs. Take the trip. You can always make more money. Go back to school. Don’t ever let someone belittle you for being more educated than them. Get that attorney. Defend your name when someone tries to throw mud on it. Love the skin you’re in. The inside is far better than the outside. People will prove that. Listen to people when they tell you you’re beautiful. You are. You will find someone just as beautiful as you. If someone wants their ex (or your ex), let them have them. The first cut is always better than the second. Don’t reflect on the beginning of a past relationship. They are all amazing starts. Focus on the ending. Took me awhile to stop this. Delete the photos. You don’t need them. Just don’t take the same ones with the next one. Stay off their social media. Block them. Not everyone is the same both publicly and privately. Own your shit. If you do someone wrong, apologize. Respect yourself. And others. Big word for some. Be selfish. If it isn’t serving you, leave. Don’t lay next to a stranger. Or let anyone lay hands on you. That’s not normal, or love. Have those opposite sex friendships. Only insecure people or people who like to cheat will think you are sleeping with all of them. Let them. If it takes you awhile to get over someone, take the time. If someone tries to tell people you are crazy, let them. Time will reveal all. Never sell your home for anyone. Ever. Don’t take that independence away from yourself. That’s allowing them total control. Never depend on anyone. Cut up your credit cards. Pay cash only. Don’t sleep with your ex. Or have sleepovers. Or even dinner. Especially if they’re married. Coparent like a champ. If people can’t understand your willingness to do that, that’s on them. If the coparenting shows a lot of emotions, someone is still leaving that door ajar. Don’t be quick to replace anyone. You’ll look desperate. And afraid to be alone. Be strong. Those red flags in the beginning are what will ultimately end it. Don’t ever be ashamed of your childhood. Your body. Your passion. Your integrity. Your loyalty.

Talk to yourself like you would the person you are in love with. Watch your confidence change. The way you carry yourself. How comfortable you are inside. Be the tallest in the room. Let them be intimated by you. You’ll weed out the weak ones real fast. And always remember. Help people. You aren’t your past. Take it and do better. Be better. Everyone lives different. Married. Single. Dating. Alone. Not everyone has to have the same path. And nothing is wrong with you if you don’t have what everyone else has right now. You’ll get there. You’ll find your person. The one that fits. And when you do, take the chance. Jump in head first. And always be kind to yourself.

Dating. Eww. The thought of it makes me have anxiety. And I’ve never had anxiety before. Ever. I’ve been on a couple dates in the last few months. They’ve been nothing more than an incense that I keep trying to light, that keeps burning out. However, I did not burn my thumb. I just politely put it aside. I don’t ask myself what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with them. Will I ever find anyone. None of that. I know who I am and what I have to offer. Clearly, I’m not ready for this next step. Or haven’t met anyone to challenge my doubts. To give me that vibration inside that I had a few years ago. You cannot force it. No matter what someone has to offer or how they try to portray themselves. I’m a firm believer in not bringing your old bricks to build your new home. My metaphor here is my guts. They are still smoldering a bit. I haven’t met anyone to put that fire out. And that’s ok. It isn’t a need for me. Or a want at this point. I just entertained the idea of having a different conversation with new ears. It made me appreciate the friendships I have already. The trivial conversations we have. The fact that I never let my friends down. And they don’t let me down. It’s a security with them. 2am phone calls. Tears. Laughs. Ups. Downs. All of it. And with no intentions. Or judgement. My numerologist said to treat dating like a pregnancy. Conception to delivery. “First three months is when we miscarry if it’s not meant to continue. Don’t buy the baby bed!” I haven’t even made it long enough to take a pregnancy test. And that’s ok. I will upgrade from the last. And I will always be up front and polite.

If you find yourself in the middle of healing from a breakup, marriage, whatever. Spend. Time. Alone. Go on that vacation. Turn that phone off. That’s the best thing I did. I checked out. Went far away. Reclaimed my heart and mind. I’m healing. Still. I don’t want what I once had. Or thought I wanted. I can say that this has changed me. I see the importance of healing. Completely. Not bouncing onto the next person who shows you attention. I have no fear with spending my life alone for awhile. I will be the “right girl, right time” to that man that has healed himself. Not searched for something because he was lonely. Or needed the image of perfection. Or wants me to be their healing rebound. And always, always, check their carry on baggage. Until then, I’ll be right here. Surrounded by my family and best friends.

I struggled for the first couple, maybe few, months after my relationship ended. I did everything “getting past your breakup” (Susan Elliott) told me not to. I emailed him. Made excuses for him to come over. Had him in my bed. Cried. Felt rejected. Felt less than. Wasted time. Questioned. Daily. All of it. Then I shifted gears. I spoke with someone who said ask yourself “what can I learn from this” instead of “what can’t I break myself of him”. It changed my focus.

Even though finding “closure” is another excuse. I did just that. I sent the emails, texts, sat down with. I reached out to the wedge, the best friend, the family members. I apologized for the conflicts. The tensions. These were hard swallows. I did it though. One of the best things I have done so far. The freedom from that is indescribable. It freed me from the part of my past that weighed me down. Made me blame why we were incompatible. WE were incompatible. WE couldn’t overcome it. It was no one else’s fault but ours. I let go of that weight. You don’t need a response from someone when doing this. Work through what you have to for you. Release it. It is not your issue anymore. You don’t need to help others process and heal. Only yourself.

Another thing I have learned from my reading is that feeling is growth. Allow yourself your moments of sadness and anger. It’s part of healing. Take the 15 minutes, daily if you have to, and be done with it. Its your body’s way of releasing it. Stay busy. Not with excessive work, dating, or a new vice. These are all things that will deter your healing. Behaviors that avoid healing. You have to spend time alone. You may get very lonely at times. But this is something that will forever change your future relationships. I have told many people, and myself, if you rush into something you are just bringing the same bricks to build that new house. It will fall down. Again.

Devastation equals growth. Unresolved grief needs addressed. Recognize behaviors that are avoiding your healing, Stop putting your grief in that life suitcase in your attic. Unpack it. Work on your involvement of the relationship ending. Stay away from anything that threatens your process. Write. Walk. Go to the gym. Feel it. Heal it. Time does not heal all wounds. You do. Stop touching it.

This is Joni. My numerologist. Not a psychic. She’s been a driving force in my recreation and learning myself. Where I’m going. Where I’ve been. She teaches me to rise up, embrace the healing process and release anything that doesn’t serve me. I stay in constant contact with her as my numbers are always shifting. If you are interested in learning your numbers, reach out to me. I’ve learned so much about myself. Who I am. And my purpose here.

I paused for a few years on selfies. My focus was shifted. It wasn’t on myself. I’m here now. I’m showing up. Curling my hair. Wearing lipstick. Embracing my feminine side. Saying yes to everything I’m asked to join. Being the best daughter, mother and friend I’ve ever been. Erasing names and faces but keeping the lessons. Banking my money. Smashing my Masters. Rewriting my history. Planning my future. Helping others.

I won’t lie. I traveled back to my past recently. To find nothing there. Empty eyes. Cold hearts. Sad eyes. Lies. Betrayal. Disgust. Lack of morals. I’m caught up now. The story continues… Catch up.

• Moved on from the big breakup.
• Survived the heat of Covid-19.
• Passed 15 weeks of Statistics.
• FULL acceptance into Psych NP program.
• San Diego, CA July.
• Santa Rosa, FL in August.
• Monterey, CA in September.

All in the last 105 days. Whatever it is you’re going through, you will survive. I promise. I thought I wouldn’t survive the first three. I did. I’ve reconnected and connected with so many old and new friends in that time. Helped people that needed my strength. Or needed reminded they are not alone. Also did some leaning myself at times. I’ve rebuilt my life in such a short time. Who would have thought the darkness would have led to more light than ever. If you need a little push with anything you’re going through, please reach out! You are not alone. Stay safe!

My vanity showed a bit when I had to move into an apartment after my relationship ended in February. Owning my own home before him, by myself, was an accomplishment that I thought I had ripped away from myself. I cried for days when I sold my home. It was something I wanted to do though. Thinking it was for my future. However, I never would have thought I’d be where I am today, at almost 42 years old.

After working a 12 hour shift today, coming home to an empty apartment, going on an hour walk with my dog… I find comfort in knowing there’s something greater in store.

The comeback is always bigger than the setback.

I was forced to lick my wounds and create my own closure. Do I miss a part of my past? Absolutely. Am I scared of never finding that intense of a love again? Absolutely. However, this was my planned path. I’m following it. Preserving. It has taught me so much about myself. What I did wrong. What I should have done different. And how much I can love. Oh, how I cried. Pleaded. Begged. Grieved. Mourned. And cried more. The bright side? Seeing the world differently and anticipating what I’m going to bring to it when I graduate.

I share my story because of the people that continue to reach out. Looking for guidance. Advice. Help. Comfort. In turn, it helps me. Thank you to those who even speak of their grief as well. You have to be transparent. Or you’ll never make it through. ❤️

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”— Jeremiah 29:11