I sometimes wonder if I am sent places on purpose. I went to church at 9am this morning. Less people, more focus. Today was about “Encounters”. He spoke about wounds. Wounds that you wrestle with and lose the battle to. I think we all have had these at one point in our life. Infidelity, death, addiction, bitterness, insecurities, divorce, ending of a relationship or friendship. Any type of heartache that you have endured. Or possibly are currently enduring.
What I took away from this, is wrestle with whatever you going through. Get down and dirty with it. You are still healing. Still learning. You continue learning everyday on how to heal. Through this you can use your experience to give others hope, he said. Lightbulb. I may not be a rising blog star but I am doing the best I can to reach those who need the hope. I’ve been contacted by many people in the last four months. Wrestling with all the things above. Asking me for guidance because me being transparent about my struggles, give them hope. I’ll take that. I am always trying to better myself. I stumble all the time. Lately, I have a lot. I stay constantly busy, which may be my downfall. When I crash, I crash. Floodgates open. Wide open. I take my 15 minutes and move on.
The death of my father, in March of 2019, was the start of my downfall to where I am today. Three weeks I cried. Grieved. Yelled. Cried more. Felt betrayed. Ripped away from my present and thrown into the past. Everything came back head on. All the feelings I suppressed for almost 30 years. Family dysfunction. Lies. Hurt. Greed. All of it. Thankfully, I had someone beside me at that time to help me through it. One day, he said “You have to protect your peace”. First time I had ever heard that. I knew what I had to do. I spent every day at his bedside while he was hospitalized until the day before he passed. I forgave him. And myself. Best thing I did for myself.
The moral of this is wrestle. Wrestle with whatever you are going through. Feel it. There is a purpose. Even is some days it doesn’t feel that way. It will make you stronger. I promise. Talk about it. It can help someone else. Give them hope for better days. Even if it is just one person. And always try to protect your peace. You are in control of it. You cannot control anyone else. Forgive. Love. Heal. Spend time with yourself. Don’t search for happiness in others. I promised myself to do all of that. And while I am working on the new version of myself, I am trying to help others do the same.