Dating. Eww. The thought of it makes me have anxiety. And I’ve never had anxiety before. Ever. I’ve been on a couple dates in the last few months. They’ve been nothing more than an incense that I keep trying to light, that keeps burning out. However, I did not burn my thumb. I just politely put it aside. I don’t ask myself what’s wrong with me. What’s wrong with them. Will I ever find anyone. None of that. I know who I am and what I have to offer. Clearly, I’m not ready for this next step. Or haven’t met anyone to challenge my doubts. To give me that vibration inside that I had a few years ago. You cannot force it. No matter what someone has to offer or how they try to portray themselves. I’m a firm believer in not bringing your old bricks to build your new home. My metaphor here is my guts. They are still smoldering a bit. I haven’t met anyone to put that fire out. And that’s ok. It isn’t a need for me. Or a want at this point. I just entertained the idea of having a different conversation with new ears. It made me appreciate the friendships I have already. The trivial conversations we have. The fact that I never let my friends down. And they don’t let me down. It’s a security with them. 2am phone calls. Tears. Laughs. Ups. Downs. All of it. And with no intentions. Or judgement. My numerologist said to treat dating like a pregnancy. Conception to delivery. “First three months is when we miscarry if it’s not meant to continue. Don’t buy the baby bed!” I haven’t even made it long enough to take a pregnancy test. And that’s ok. I will upgrade from the last. And I will always be up front and polite.
If you find yourself in the middle of healing from a breakup, marriage, whatever. Spend. Time. Alone. Go on that vacation. Turn that phone off. That’s the best thing I did. I checked out. Went far away. Reclaimed my heart and mind. I’m healing. Still. I don’t want what I once had. Or thought I wanted. I can say that this has changed me. I see the importance of healing. Completely. Not bouncing onto the next person who shows you attention. I have no fear with spending my life alone for awhile. I will be the “right girl, right time” to that man that has healed himself. Not searched for something because he was lonely. Or needed the image of perfection. Or wants me to be their healing rebound. And always, always, check their carry on baggage. Until then, I’ll be right here. Surrounded by my family and best friends.