It’s no secret that I took a LOA from my job I have had for over 10 years. It had nothing to do with my job. And everything to do with me. I took a chance on myself. For once. To do something I thought would be good for me. And something I have always wanted to do. Something to bring myself some peace. Some may say it was selfish. You are exactly right. It was selfish.
How could she leave her kids? I could never leave my kids. Who is taking care of them? Is she coming back? What happened? All the background noise that I will try to settle.
I did not “leave” my children. They have a great, present father. And step mother. Both of whom are very capable of caring for my daughter. And love her just as much as I do. This is a great opportunity for all of us. For me to step back, allow some distance for growth. For all of us. Allow her to be a family with her other family. I welcome that and am very happy that they get to be a family, full-time.
I would say around March of 2019, things started to fall apart a bit. I was in a bad emotional rut. I lost my biological father. Someone whom I never really had a relationship or connection with. Death is final. No more words can be spoken. No more opportunities to mend. That brought on a lot of emotions that I was not prepared for. I grieved my late grandparents all over again as well. Hate floated up. Family issues became intensified. I knew I had to protect my peace. I spent his last days with him at the hospital. We forgave each other for our past. That was very important for me. He heard me. He nodded. Even had tears in his eyes. I knew it had to be done so that I didn’t carry all of my childhood with me for the rest of my days here.
Fast forward to 2020. My peace was again tested. Things fell apart again. I lost a few people close to me that I truly cared about. It snowballed. Things were unfixable. People got hurt. Words were slung. Resentment was deep. I started my life over again. Held my kids tight. Built their confidence up again. I was on my way to healing the best I could. Trying to bury the pain and failed. Time and time again. Then I had a relationship that resurfaced. That never should of. Even became legal at one point. My character was poked. Ugly accusations. But I quickly turned it around with the help of my attorney. There are two things I will always protect. My children and my education. And one thing someone taught me a few years ago, to document everything. Thankfully, I had been doing just that and I prevailed. That friendship will never recover, it’s unfortunate, but the way it has to be.
I decided after that, I was leaving for awhile. It was all too heavy. Why would I allow someone to push me out of my comfort zone? I didn’t. I knew how this virus changed me. Made me a stronger nurse and human. I had to find that again. My purpose. This decision was for me. I have some of the best, supportive friends anyone could ask for. They stood behind me. I cried to my children. They said “Just. Go”. So I made this decision within a few days. I also have the best, loving, understanding manager in my corner. It was a done deal. I had 72 hours to get my life in order and here I am.
My point with sharing this is to tell you something. Do what’s best for you. Everything will fall into place. You can talk and post all day long. About your life. How happy you are in it. Is it real? Take that leap. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. If you aren’t truly whole, you’re just breathing. Face your past. Let go of what doesn’t serve you. Set goals. Big ones. One thing I always ask people is, “What is your 5 year goal”? I’m over 1400 miles away from everything I’ve ever known. Alone. Working on my 5 year goal. In a hotel with my dog. Working, studying for my NP. Building my empire. I’m surrounded by mountains. Beautiful sunsets. Nightly FaceTime with my friends and family. I got off track for a bit. Let people change me. Push me into someone I was not. Made me feel, from the start, that I was merely a sponge to their tainted water through something they didn’t heal from from. I’ve also learned that had nothing to do with me. All with them. When I looked back, I was just a stepping stone. A forerunner to their future. The stepping stone to their brighter days. As they were mine. I grew so much through it all. Learned how much I could love. And that I can again. I’m just not there yet. I’ve even lost friends as I’ve transitioned back to who I was before all this. You can get there too. Your mind is a powerful thing. Once you are in control of your feelings, you become very powerful.
I’ll leave you with this. Get a notebook for your nightstand. Every night, write down five things you are thankful for. Watch your list grow. And watch the negativity change into positivity. Everything you go through makes you who you are today. Good or bad. Embrace it. Share it. You never know you’re helping. I always say, if I can reach one person… Ive succeeded.