It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged. I had the best trip to Arizona. Learned a lot about myself. Spent a lot of time with myself over the 6 weeks in a hotel room. Worked a lot. Made enough money to not work the rest of the year or more. If I choose. Right now, everything is still up in the year. Just enjoying my journey I started. Time home. My close friends. And, of course, my family.
I’ll always be transparent. When I left town, I left my broken heart here. Went 2000+ miles away from everything I’ve ever known. Within 72 hours, I made the decision. It was something I had to do. Now that I’m back, I realize I’m not quite as far as I want or need to be. My broken heart is still here. This last one bit me. The wound is still healing. Seven months later. Coming home, opened it up. What I left here is still here. Do not feel sorry for me. I’m just a little slower to heal. And choose to be alone.
I hear daily “I’m proud of you”, “What you’re doing is amazing”, “You’re so brave”. Am I? What is it that I can’t let go of? Is it a person or just the passion I felt? The fear of never feeling that again? They say it’s not the actual person, it’s the good times. With me it’s the memories. The photos. Restaurants. Clothes. Music. Down to decor in my home. Even stupid Netflix. The amount of love I felt. Maybe it’s what I’m capable of in a partnership and not necessarily finding someone that passes my new checklist. And I’m not looking. I’m not even remotely close to sharing my time with someone. If I’ll ever be there again. I ask those not to share any information with me. I keep my fingers off the social media bar. Proud of myself for that.
Why do I share this? To get it off my chest. It’s heavy right now. I don’t share a lot about this with others. It’s like beating a dead horse. People are just as tired as my heart of hearing it. People have far bigger things going on and I’m not one to be negative. However, everyday I’m stronger. I just never thought I’d be here, 7 months later, still licking my wounds. The world has moved on. And I feel like I’m going along at sloth rate sometimes.
I’ll continue to hold my head up. Shut down the slips. I’m very thankful for the life I have. It’s simple. The work I love. We all have things we have to work on. For me, it’s one day at a time right now. Whatever it is you’re struggling with, know others are as well. We all have different struggles. I’m so grateful for my circle. And how supportive and comforting they are with me. I will rise from this. Like I have everything else.
One thought on “Little Less Broken”
It truly does take time. For me, what really helped me over the hump is realizing, a little part of my heart will always be broken-and thats okay. I went from planning on marriage with someone I lived with for a year, to realizing the abuse and leaving. 5 years later and the wounds still hurt when I think about them. The memories will always be there. Certain places, certain shows. Im sad for it, but not in the same way I once was. At least for me, it wasn’t something that happened while I was focused on the moving on, but when I STOPPED focusing on that, and just focusing on the now. Right now, this is what I want to do. Right now, this is whats important to me. My goals, my plans, they had changed and I focused on the person I was becoming. And then one day, I realized how much more in the past it felt. It was as deep of a wound anymore.
You’re doing all of the right things. You’re a very strong woman, and one day, it won’t cut as deep when you think of the things you do now. You’re worth everything. Just focus on what matters most to you, dreams and goals, loved ones. You’ll get where you’re meant to be situationally and emotionally. 💗