Whew. Those were some long months. I could have kept Indiana green with some of my tears.
I kept everyone in the loop with my struggle. The support has been amazing. And I thank each and every one of you for reaching out. Seems like such a silly thing to keep whining about it. But to me, it was big. Life changing. Soul crushing. Something much smaller than what others may be going through. But it changed me. For the better. The strength I showed and tried to shine, helped others through what they had going on. Big or small. Finding the silver lining and overcoming it was my goal. Thank you for listening. And lifting me up. The only negative thing I’ve learned through this is that some people don’t like positive people. I’m still gonna show up.
I can’t tell you what the drive to Arizona last week did to me. I have no idea. I came home this time to someone different. A light flipped on. People just looked different to me. It was like I was released from everything that weighed me down. Like I passed the final after failing all the tests. But still got the grade to move on.
I knew this would happen. Eventually. I just didn’t know when. I prayed it wouldn’t be years. That the residual feelings, hurt, memories, would fade. They are more blurry now. Off in the distance. Unrecognizable faces. Strangers. One thing that helped me is not carrying hate. I think that’s one important thing that helped me through my transition. If you carry hate, it’s so heavy. I knew from the beginning that I would never carry that. Ever. No matter what was thrown my way. Now, the love I carried was also heavy. It’s all part of the process. You have to trust it. Some days it doesn’t make sense. I’m thankful for the heart I have. The one that I slowly cut every string that was attached. Here I am. Standing in the mirror. Proud of how I handled myself. Being kind to myself on tough days. For staying classy. Not seeking someone to heal me. Knowing every day I’d be closer and closer to this one. Had I cut all the strings at once, I may have delayed all of this healing.
Why does I keep talking about this? It’s all about change. Growth. Healing. Love. Loss. Heartbreak. Regrouping. Refocusing. It can pertain to a lot of other situations. Not just what I went through. It’s about recognizing who you are and what you need to change. To be better. To do better. A better daughter/son, mother/father, lover, friend. Your strengths. And weaknesses. It’s not all about the trials. We all have them. It’s how you handle it. What YOU can do to be a better person.