It’s been awhile.
It’s been five months since I’ve blogged. I’ve been home almost three. Taking everything in. Staying busy. Enjoying quality time with my people. And for the first time in my life, not having to be anywhere at all.
I’m flying out in the morning for California with a best friend. As many of you know, he was diagnosed with aggressive Angiosarcoma last month. Stage IV. He was given 3-6 months. After his first round of 6 chemos and a week of radiation, his prognosis is looking up. It’s bought him more time here with us. And I pray that continues with the future chemo and radiation. His bucket list included California, Joshua Tree and driving the Pacific Coast Hwy. So, I booked a flight, told him to pack a backpack. Nothing else. We have no plan. No hotels booked. No schedule. Only a rental car. I cannot wait for the memories.
I can’t express how much my family and friends mean to me. I’ve grown more in the last year than I ever have before. I’m sure I drive them absolutely insane at times. All hours of the day. I can be a bit of a broken record. I’m still learning how to handle myself, my mind, my heart, and my losses. Through all of that, I’m recognizing what’s important. What isn’t. Being patient with myself for this lengthy process. Things I did wrong in the past. How I mishandled not being accepted. How I mishandled things I reacted to. It cost me a lot. And I’ve accepted it all. It’s landed me right where I am today. And I’ve taken risks that I would have never taken. I’m more at peace. Understanding. Loving. Calm. Strong. Believing. Spiritual. Healthy. Positive. Determined. All of it.
I’ve dated. And I’ve learned I’m not ready. My heart and mind isn’t quite there yet. I don’t have walls up. I’m not heartbroken anymore. I am not bitter towards the idea of love. And I’m not even afraid to love again. I’m simply not there yet. I cannot meet anyone halfway. I feel like from my last relationship, some wires were cut. The ones I need to have for feelings. And I’m just not ready to buy the electrical tape to fix it. And there is nothing wrong with that. I’m not missing out. I’m not living in the past. I’m not holding out hope. I’m living. My life. How I want. At my pace. People live differently. I’ve uttered the words “I love you” to only two men in my entire life. I’m stingy with it. Not having a partner does not define who I am. I’m asked all the time “Why/How are you single”? I simply say: It’s a choice. Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m just still working on myself. For myself. And I’m not ready. Plain and simple.
I know my friends will always lift me up. Near or far. “I love you, Mindy. You’ve made it this far. You’re not going to give up now. I won’t let you.”