I struggled for the first couple, maybe few, months after my relationship ended. I did everything “getting past your breakup” (Susan Elliott) told me not to. I emailed him. Made excuses for him to come over. Had him in my bed. Cried. Felt rejected. Felt less than. Wasted time. Questioned. Daily. All of it. Then I shifted gears. I spoke with someone who said ask yourself “what can I learn from this” instead of “what can’t I break myself of him”. It changed my focus.
Even though finding “closure” is another excuse. I did just that. I sent the emails, texts, sat down with. I reached out to the wedge, the best friend, the family members. I apologized for the conflicts. The tensions. These were hard swallows. I did it though. One of the best things I have done so far. The freedom from that is indescribable. It freed me from the part of my past that weighed me down. Made me blame why we were incompatible. WE were incompatible. WE couldn’t overcome it. It was no one else’s fault but ours. I let go of that weight. You don’t need a response from someone when doing this. Work through what you have to for you. Release it. It is not your issue anymore. You don’t need to help others process and heal. Only yourself.
Another thing I have learned from my reading is that feeling is growth. Allow yourself your moments of sadness and anger. It’s part of healing. Take the 15 minutes, daily if you have to, and be done with it. Its your body’s way of releasing it. Stay busy. Not with excessive work, dating, or a new vice. These are all things that will deter your healing. Behaviors that avoid healing. You have to spend time alone. You may get very lonely at times. But this is something that will forever change your future relationships. I have told many people, and myself, if you rush into something you are just bringing the same bricks to build that new house. It will fall down. Again.
Devastation equals growth. Unresolved grief needs addressed. Recognize behaviors that are avoiding your healing, Stop putting your grief in that life suitcase in your attic. Unpack it. Work on your involvement of the relationship ending. Stay away from anything that threatens your process. Write. Walk. Go to the gym. Feel it. Heal it. Time does not heal all wounds. You do. Stop touching it.
Mindy Danielle 